An old friend recently told me I am one of the most fiercely independent people he knows and went on to talk about what an amazing quality it is. He was right. I hate being cosseted, taken care of, allowing anyone into to the inner-workings of my brain. I stand strongly alone, making my own choices, living with the consequences, and walking my own path, by myself. Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with my terminal wanderlust? I'll get to that.
This year has been a lonely one for me. Not that it has been bad. It hasn't, in many ways it has been an amazing experience and one I will treasure always. Just lonely. I have spent a lot of time in my head, as if that was even more possible, trying to figure shit out, what I really want out of life, all that typical bullshit I tend to stay away from talking about, because I think it is trite (next week join me for my blog on how I plan to become less judgmental). This has all be compounded by the recent passing of two friends and a lot of time on trains. I have worked hard to get where I am, a CAL graduate, getting ready to pursue her MA and PHD in Ireland, always putting my academic career first and figuring the rest would just somehow sort itself out. I have spent years flip-flopping on the idea of marriage, usually flopping, thinking I am not that kind of girl, viewing it more as a financial/friendship thing than anything else, not even really sure about the whole Scandinavian idea of partnership forever. Call it the cynic in me. It isn't that I didn't like the idea of love and real partnership, I just am not all that sure I believed in it. I mean after all, look at the types of men I tended to fall for (when I actually liked someone rather than just feeling bored). Guys as emotionally unavailable and commitment phobic as I am. I mean these guys were safe. I never really had to let my guard down and worry about getting hurt. In many of them I saw kindred spirits and it was an easy(ish) way to go through life. Never really open yourself up, never really get hurt. God, how sad.
Anyway fast forward to these last few months. Instead of feeling the amazing liberation I normally feel at being able to pack my life up and move to where ever it is I am moving this year, I had been feeling this strange sort of emptiness, like something is missing from my life. At first I thought it might be a dog. I mean after all I am totally obsessed with little white fluffy dogs and haven't really gotten to spend any real canine time in a while. Then I went to St. Malo. Walking on the beach late at night always tends to clear my head. Then again, so does encountering someone who makes my soul shake. There I got both. It isn't like I hadn't felt stomach churning, heart pounding lust here. I mean I had, pretty much every time I go out I see that special Gillian type of guy. This was different. This was that thing I have only felt twice before. That strange sensation when you feel like someone, whom you have never met before, truly sees you, not just the physical aspects of you, but looks in your eyes, and sees you, the real you and still finds you desirable. It is always a scary and intense moment, whether it is real or not, whether anything comes of that moment or not (in this case it didn't). And that is when it hit me. I am tired of walking this world alone. I am tired of being strong and capable. I want to be vulnerable. I want to take care of and be taken care of by someone. I want to be a partner. I want to share my life and build a life with someone. For the first time in my life, I actually want to fall in love. (Needless to say, sharing these insights with my mother, was an experience. I wish I had captured on film. It was the most priceless look ever).
Fast forward again to Dublin. I think when I wrote the above piece I was sure those feelings would go away, like somehow being here, this magical place I have dreamed about for so long would wipe the desires stated above from my mind and soul. Yeah.... that hasn't happened. It is almost the reverse. It is almost as if being in a place which feels like home has intensified it. Not that I am going to settle for the first guy that comes along. I have done that for too much of my life. But I am not going to shut myself off anymore either. I have a feeling this is going to be a process. I mean you can't unlearn 35 years of behavior in a few months.
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